A Beer Argument: Casting 'Stones

I love beer.  Spend more than a day or two with me, and you'll know my love of beer.  I've had the chance to drink local beers in small German villages, drink micro-brew right on site at several breweries in Texas and Colorado, and I even brew my own beer.  I enjoy all varieties of good beer: from lagers to imperials.  But when I stop by the store to stock up on my day to day beer, I drink Keystone.

That's right, Keystone.  I get razzed about this a bit, and not from beer snobs.  Even your average Bud drinker wonders why the hell I drink Keystone.  Well today, I will explain the logic behind my decision to drink the 'Stones, and maybe get a few converts in the process.

Keystone Light, which is my preferred variety, is made by Coors.  It comes in five flavors: Keystone, Keystone Light, Keystone Ice, Keystone Premium, and Keystone Premium Light Ice.  (I personally have never seen the last two flavors, and I'm not sure I'd even want to try a beer defined as Premium Light Ice.  Its a beer that can't make up its mind.)  Some define Keystone as a second chance beer, meaning after Coors Light is made, unused beer is given a second run and becomes Keystone Light.  According to Coors, Keystone has its own special recipe but costs less because they don't invest in advertising.  Fair point, because I can't remember the last ad I saw for Keystone.

So its a sunny Saturday afternoon, and you run to the store for some beer.  Your day might include some golf, mowing the lawn, or possibly just sitting on your ass watching the game.  At the store, you encounter several readily available, reasonably priced beers, such as:  Budweiser, Coors, Miller, Corona, Tecate, Dos Equis, Red Dog and Steel Reserve.  When I talk about beers from here on out, I am referring only to the "Light" variety.  So if I say Bud, I mean Bud Light.  I'm only talking about light beers because drinking a 6 pack of Guinness Draught on the disc golf course in 95 degree weather is a bit much, and this is every day beer, meant for volume and alcohol.

Let's touch on some attributes that are important in the beer decision making process.

Flavor:  This is all pretty much poor quality beer.  Now, I'm sure there are people out there who will argue about quality of one beer over another, but the simple fact of the matter is these are low cost, low quality beers.  Beer should only have 4 things in it: Water, Malted Barley, Hops, Yeast.  Now, hops and malted barley are expensive, so to reduce the cost of beers, brewers substitute malted barley with rice.  It costs a lot less, and is responsible for the total lack of flavor in the big domestic beers.  A buddy and I have an argument about using rice sugar in beer, and while some people may argue that it doesn't hurt the flavor, rice sure doesn't help the flavor.  Hops in these beers are pretty much non-existent.  They may list them as an ingredient, but its not at a detectable level.

So in the end, the list isn't about flavor.  If you want flavor, go pick up a good beer like an Avery or Boddingtons.  There are hundreds of quality beers out there.  No one is drinking any of these beers for great flavor.  Actually, the goal of these beers are to have the least offensive flavor possible so anyone can drink them.  Keystone is like drinking slightly flavored water.  It is the least flavor I have found in all of the beers.  Also, Keystone tastes better warm than any of the other beers, so if you have to carry beer with you unrefrigerated, Keystone is the best choice.  A 90 degree Bud tastes like ass.

Volume:  Keystone comes in 30 'Stones.  All other beers come in anywhere from 18 to 24 beers.  No other brand I have found allows you to buy 30.

Price:  Keystone is just less than $18 before tax for 30 stones.  A 20 pack of Bud is $17.

Nutrition:  Keystone is 100 calories per 12oz can.  This is less than Bud, Busch, Coors, Michelob, and Molson.  Miller and Amstel come in just under Keystone.  Pabst Blue Ribbon is actually the lowest with 72 calories, and if I had access to Pabst Light in my local stores, it might be a contender, but alas, no Pabst here.

Cheap beer is really about one thing: Alcohol.  Keystone provides 4.2% abv, just like all other light beers.  There is no variation here. 

Playing Beer Pong?  There is no better choice than Keystone.  Its only 5 cents per ounce, and as the
beer gets warm, you can still drink it.  Bringing beer to a party?  It costs less and you have 6 more beers to give away.  No one is more popular than the guy giving away beer.

So, when comparing flavor factors, Keystone has the least flavor of all the cheap beers, but frankly, that's a good thing.  It also tastes the best warm.  You get more beer for your money, fewer calories than most brands, and the same amount of alcohol.  So get smart and join me over a few cold 'Stones at the course.  Then you can spend the money you saved on good beer for the comfort of your own home.  Why share the good stuff?

Comments

[incognato]

Interesting take.

Tecate, one of my favorite beers, also tastes like ass when warm. Smooth, refreshing ass. lol

What about Shiner light? I know the cost factor is still there, just curious about all the stats you just applied to the national domestics.

[Craig]

Shiner definitely costs more than Keystone, and it has one other fault. Glass bottles only. Longnecks take up way too much space in a disc golf bag, and when you finish them, you can't crush them into a flat disc for easy toting.

Technically, Corona and Dos Equis falls into this category as well.

[Matt]

Solid logic right there, man.
However, Keystone gives me some of the worst next-morning-rotten-ass I've ever had. This is second only to Pabst Blue Ribbon.

[Craig]

I guess "medically" YMMV. I personally think it gives my early morning eliminations the smell of fresh blueberry muffins with butter.

[Nate]

add Dos Equis to that list of morning eggs

[Nate]

good point about the bottles, wasn't thinking about that.

[Chano]

Interesting post this one, I agree with your comments on flavour and quality. But then, if I drunk everyday good quality beers I would be very drunk and very penniless.
In other order of things related to beer, I think one of the things that distinguishes prices is the investment in advertising. Bud has been doing very good campaigns lately (see example:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEanvIEzZz4), what increases their popularity, so they can sell a pack of 20 for $17. Overall I don't think it is too much for a good taste (among the light tasting ones) and a good laugh. It gives me conversation sometimes and it is easy to find in any small store wherever you are.
These guys from BudBucks play with the fact that a beer cannot take you the time of drinking it, but a lot more. So they try to entertain you.
On the overall, I don't think it's that bad idea. Check it for yourselves.

[yohan]

false on the 30 cans statement. PBR and Busch Light also come in a 30 can brick

[yohan]

false on the 30 cans statement. PBR and Busch Light also come in a 30 can brick

[Jeff]

PBR has been my choice for years.